true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
