.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
