Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Who died my cat blue again?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
