I think I won the penis lottery.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
