Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
