you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
How many fucks given?
0.12846
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
