then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
