Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
