i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
