i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
