I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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