So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
