the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
