You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
