so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
