have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
