if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
