cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
