I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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