Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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