I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
