Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
