Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
