You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
