i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
