you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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