She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
