Umm I'm too high to move.
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
