then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
