i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
