Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
