OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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