and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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