Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
