please come you make the beer taste better
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
