I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
