Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
