i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Dicks are not precious.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
