I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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