I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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