And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
