Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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