I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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