If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
