he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
