Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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