how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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