I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
