and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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