wrigley field is MILF paradise
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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