M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
